Sunday, December 12, 2010
Getting Rid of Superwoman
This is my goal for the new year. After going through all of our books, papers, and notebooks in the guest room this weekend I realized that I have a propensity for making plans. Now making plans is not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. However, when your planning and idealism throws you into a cycle of stress for years, it's time to EVALUATE some things. If you know me at all, then you know I also have a propensity for psychoanalyzing myself (and others). So after spending a couple weeks processing the past year this is what I've come up with: Almost every big decision I've made in the past 5 years has stemmed from the need to plan out and control and jam pack each season of my life. Why? And this is so typical, so bear with me... my mom. She was so young when she died, and I can't help but feel like I want to "fit in" EVERYTHING I have the slightest inkling that I MIGHT want to accomplish in a lifetime into the next 5 years. So this is what life has looked like: Married at 21. Deathly pregnant at 21. Drop out of college at 21. Move to Michigan at 22. Baby at 22. House at 23. Tubes tied at 23. Become licensed to foster/adopt at 24. Foster two kids at 25. Throw in house projects, church commitments, work commitments, social commitments, and kid surprise issues and you have a recipe for a whole lot of chaos but not a whole lot of living and enjoying life for what it is right now. Well, no more.
The past two weeks have been wonderful. We've had more good days than bad days. I've done only what I want and am able to do and no more than that. My shoulders aren't tense. I feel married. All of this has lead me to realize that it's OK to have ideas, but that I don't need to do ALL of them at once- or even at all. Re-doing that nursery made me realize that I can let go of some ideas and still enjoy life. Perhaps enjoy it a little more than when I had a death-grip on the "ideal". I'm very grateful to be living the ideal life for my family right now. Just the three of us enjoying each other- relaxed. I can't do it all, and if I'm honest with myself- I don't want to. I have a full life without stuffing it with whatever whim I have at that moment. So I'm getting rid of superwoman and spending some time in reality. And I'm loving it.
Today I stayed home from church. It was really snowy and I just wanted to have some family time before Andrew started another busy work week- starting this afternoon. We listened to Christmas hymns all day, did some cleaning, ate together, played in the snow, made Isaac his first hot chocolate, and cut the boys' hair. I got to talk to Isaac more about Advent candles, make pictures of Christmas trees and snowmen, watch his favorite movie with him, play trains with him, and just move about the day with an ease that my being really needs right now. I feel more like the mom I want to be, and that is worth getting rid of just about anything. Even superwoman.